dauphin_z

The world got that bit shittier today when 1) Jong (oh Shinee you lights of my sad kpop life) contracted swine flu, 2) 2PM's album appears to be well-received and JYPE is just playing us as usual and 3) DBSK is going through shit too. I am exceptionally pissed off about swine flu and Jong because pretty much only Shinee is doing fine these days. Okay maybe FT Island and SS501 too, but I care about Shinee more. I mean I rag on Jong for his ridic antics a lot, but I seriously think he's precious most of the time and even lulzy Minho trying to do Jong's 'hey' and 'ho' parts, or promising Taemin singing does not salvage the crappy situation for me. GAH I want Shinee to be nice and happy and uh, hopefully not anorexic again.

Yesasia cheered me up a bit though, with the choice quote of 'hand-wrenching' to describe the whole 2PM ordeal. Wouldn't 'heart-wrenching' be more appropriate, Yesasia, since we're getting to this? I mean the album IS supposedly called Heartbeat Time, and there's a bloody fiery beating heart on the 2PM website you know. It's apparently beating 7 times each round, but I can't be arsed to check anymore. I'm done with obsessiveness. It just drains you. From now on, I am all about the lulz (on a more serious level, that means admiralty and banana cargo lol. Oh the treasures of the Tropical Reefer. I wonder if the cargo interests of that case ever knew they would provide so much lulz for a hapless law student like me just because I happen to like an idol group with a member who loves bananas.)

The exhibit for the scrutiny of all my readers (very few, I presume):

Disclaimer: I love 2PM. I really do. And I'm sure Taec would approve. Sort of, since he likes dressing up as a human traffic light in real life anyway. Word. And obviously their stylists choose all the stuff they wear, so really, all this is targeted at them because I obvs don't know their stylist's name. If I did, I'll be staging a sit-in protest to get them better clothes. Srsly.

I had a whole bunch of caps ready to post up and comment on, one by one (from two performances of 10 Points out of 10) but in the end I realised that really, this cap spoke for itself. Is this what we mean by a picture speaks a thousand words - no, groans? I think so. My heart actually bled as I stared at that picture. Is it any wonder why I was so wowed by the second mini-album's concept? ANYTHING, I repeat, ANYTHING tops the kind of...thing Jay had to wear.

NON-FANS IGNORE PRZ: (By the way if you come back, hon, we will so totally make sure you never have to wear anything this bad ever again. Real talk. Enough incentive now? Please come back. We'll stop flying sky banners across your hometown, interviewing your friendly neighbour Mike and uh, spamming your boss's twitter. Or killing the earth by killing trees to make post-its. We'll just buy your albums instead and uh try to snog you if we see you in real life. So...come back? Pretty please?)

So after that totally necessary and pertinent digression, we come to:

Yes dears. I'm sure you have no idea where to begin. There's just...so much fertile detail in that, waiting with bated breath for you guys to dig in with me. Or not, I suppose, depending on what monster you're escaping from by reading my humble livejournal.



JUNSU. Oh Junsu. I've a million questions to ask you, and I probably should have last year when you guys came to Singapore but I was too cowardly to go stalk you all and try to speak English to Taec and Khun and Jay without dying on the spot, but right now all I can think to ask is, WHY OH WHY ARE YOU WEARING WHAT APPEARS TO BE A RIPPED DENIM SHIRT AND ONE LEGGING? Did this atrocity somehow spark the piece of total hot that you were in Album 2? Is that why you suddenly became smoking and totally sexy, you sneaky bastard? Is that WHY you never, ever, never, ever, never, ever wear berms in Album 2? You know what? I can totally understand if you need to air your shoulders, they're kinda important (and kinda hot too, I totally have an icon of them and uh, your face's in it too since they're kinda inseparable), but you could've totally aired your shoulders by uh, just stripping everything off or wearing a nice sensible tanktop like Chansung is doing. Denim is hot and keeps the sweat in, ya know.

Or were you just storing up all that heat for Album 2? If so, I totally approve. But...I love you, hon, I really do. I spazz over you and your eyes and your teeth and whatever a crazy fangirl does, but...that legging you so coyly reveal under your dubious newspaper print slacks? The ones that are kind of growing black and purple and green pie shapes? No. Just no. Nothing excuses that, no matter how adorable or amazing you are, or how sensible you are to try to hide that HIDEOUS, HIDEOUS vest with a nice clean white vest, or distract with your nifty fingerless leather gloves. No. Like, NO. Sorry dear, I really only am in love with your Album 2 self - or Album 1 self out of those clothes would do, really.


WOOYOUNG. I love how you're totally shutting your eyes to the reality that you are ON NATIONAL TELEVISION in a army-green jacket with lots of multi-coloured dog-tags, a random red sleeve peeking out from under that, and a bunch of mates wearing duds more ridiculous than yours. At least you had the presence of mind to hide, and uh, to protect your eyes. I always knew you were the most sensible one. Okay maybe not, Junho had the presence of mind to wear a reasonably decent outfit AND hide behind Khun as well, so you've kind of lost a bit of ground there. But I REALLY don't think it's a good idea to put your trademark squishy cheeks that close to those tags. They could CUT YOU. Like CUT YOU DEEP. And there're SO MANY of them. Did you accidentally tell the coordinator-noona that you really wanted to be a Boy Scout (or whatever the Korean equivalent is) when you were young? Are you itching to join the army? IS THAT WHY THERE IS SO MUCH OVERCOMPENSATION OF ARMY OR UNIFORM PARAPHERNALIA GOING ON HERE? Darling, we love you as you are. Just...stop endangering your lovely face with dogtags, or armies, or bang bang boom boom pow.


TAECYEON. Hi dear. I'm sure you cringed at this outfit too. Didn't you? I know you like wearing orange pants with a bright yellow t-shirt and a red, yellow and green cap, and sometimes dubiously FBT-like baby blue berms, but I'm sure you have Standards. Right? Like, NO SERIOUSLY I REFUSE TO WEAR SOME STRANGE TRIBAL PRINT PANTS WITH A WHITE MUSCLE TANK AND WHAT REMAINS OF A HOODIE. LIKE SRSLY NO. Especially when those weird pants are cut specially to have a red lining at the inner thigh area. I mean of course you know you're hot and girls dig you and all, but I mean a guy's gotta be subtle sometimes so girls don't think you're a horny jerk who just wants to point them to the appropriate AHEM area. Although I have seen people requesting YOUR crotch shots online, so maybe this is the way to go.


You know, I'm beginning to wonder if you passed on your superpowers in keeping things on properly to G.O of MBLAQ (you know him, he's the one who likes to do weird breakdancing poses while keeping his sunglasses on). Because that hood looks like it's just folded around your neck like a charming pet snake. I mean, you surely didn't superglue it to your head, did you? But you still did flips! And pervy butt-slapping! And mock-fighting! I say you srsly pwn G.O in that department, because he didn't flip himself upside down and still manage to keep those sunglasses on. Or did you kind of dissect the hoodie such that its vengeful ghost decided to hang on your neck and never let go? IS THAT WHY? TELL ME DEAR, I WILL EXORCISE IT FOR YOU.


JUNHO Hey you, hiding behind Khun. I'm not being evil and not saying anything because I don't like you and all, but I actually kind of dig what you're wearing, especially the jacket excepting the fur, so bear with me on this alright? Plus, Chansung doesn't even get to appear in the picture, so count yourself lucky that uh, half your body and your arms kind of do. And that I am one of your devoted fans who would look behind just about anything (okay maybe not a bathroom door, I HAVE NON-PERVY STANDARDS) to find you. Then again there was that clip from Wild Bunny when you and Jay were in the bathroom...OKAY NEVERMIND. I BREAK MY RULES ALL THE TIME. WHATEVA. I GET TO OGLE YOU WHENEVER I WANT TO. EVEN THROUGH BUTT GIFS. Stop flexing your butt if you don't want people to see it!


NICKHUN Are you winking? Are you winking? Oh. It's the screencap. Sorry. BUT IS THAT A WHITE CUTOUT I SEE PEEKING OUT FROM UNDER YOUR SHIRT? Oh wait no, it's a hat. No, it's a pouch! No, it's a piece of scrap cloth! No, it's a codpiece! Oh wait, that's ABOVE YOUR PANTS. Kay, sorry. There's a dangly feather! You know Khun, I know you're Thai-American and all (does your mom ever get pissed off that her ethnicity's never actually appended to American when people refer to you?), but you REALLY didn't have to acquire the tools of the voodoo trade. I mean it's kinda awesome that Thai shamans can do all these nifty curses and whatever, but srsly that face of yours and those eyes, are good enough for pretty much everything. There was really no need to get A POUCH AND A FEATHER AND A WHITE CUTOUT to like put curses on people (HOLYSHIT NOT ANYONE FROM SHINEE, PLEASE) but I believe in you, really.

I'm sure that's just like A POUCH AND A FLOATING FEATHER AND A WHITE CUTOUT, and not really a pouch of herbs and a mysteriously cursed floating feather and a white HUMAN cutout for you to stomp on with Junho's glitter shoes. Totally innocent, yo. But you know what? I'll understand, if you're trying to target whoever thought NAVY BERMS and GREY BLACK-PRINT TIGHTS and MULTI-COLOURED FLOWERY JACKET and BROWN SHIRT THAT LOOKS LIKE ITS COLLAR GOT RIPPED OPEN 5 MINS BEFORE THIS would work. I feel for you, I do. If I could just remove one item of clothing from you (oh wait no, ulterior motive GAHHHHH. Got caught. oops!), I would. Okay maybe not. You might kill me for molestation, and I'll lose my potential practising cert for a criminal prosecution. But hey, you could assist me in being the first FEMALE to ever get charged for molestation? D'ya want to? YOU KNOW YOU HATE THOSE CLOTHES. YOU KNOW YOU HATE THOSE CLOTHES. Ah crap, where's my Chinese talisman when I need it? LEMME TELL YA, MY CHINESE TALISMAN PWNS YOUR POUCH AND FEATHER AND LADEEDA ANY DAY. You can actually burn mine and drink it. Way more useful and biodegradable.


JAY. We all miss you. Please come back, even if we've potentially royally pissed you off by flying sky banners and killing trees and all. If I may say so, though, please never ever go near these clothes with a ten-foot pole ever again. I know they made you wear a lace one-armed glove in the other performance that I was too lazy to upload pictures of, and they've put a stocking over your head and shaved the name of the group into your hair and dabbed white glitter on it before (that must hurt like crap to remove -- it hurts like crap when I pluck out random crap from my hair as it is). I know that traumatic experiences like ONE ARMED LACE GLOVE can totally warp your sense of perception and all, but did you really decide that this outfit was okay? I mean sure, the tribal accents on your left arm are awesome and all (how long did you take to do that! they're kind of cool actually), but those space cut-out pants that look like a lantern? No. Like, NO. NO NO NO NO NO NO NO. As if it's not bad enough that these were cut-out pants, they aren't even properly cut like in the other performance where it looked like nicely sliced orange peels. No, these are just sloppy. I mean, couldn't you tell the stylist noona that SYMMETRY IS A BETTER IDEA when you're trying to emulate lanterns? Even if this is kind of like newsprint inner core with bombastic bursting open golden-taupe satin outer layer, and really kind of strange for lanterns? I know I'm kind of old-fashioned and all, but aren't lanterns supposed to be like colourful and flimsy and TOTALLY NOT SUPPOSED TO BE WORN AS PANTS?

But that's okay, you know, it really is. What I really have a problem with, is that vest of yours. I know everyone loves your arms (I do too, I wish I had nice muscled arms like yours, okay maybe not, I'll have to lift 129381240095892173 weights to get it and I'm just too lazy), but...there're gaps at your chest. And silver buttons. And sparkly leathery crocodile skin material makes up the rest. And somehow it becomes an entirely different beast altogether on the back (not shown because it gave me a heart attack. Imagine what it'd do to the fragile beings who read my livejournal on the offchance that I write about something totally sane and benign. Not.)

You know, hon, when you've kind of sliced up a crocodile in order to get his skin for your Arabian Nights Persian-inspired vest, and its cross-species brown best friend too, you're kind of insulting his memory by placing HUGE SILVER BUTTONS on it? I mean srsly, crocodiles, they are totally cool beings who hate artificial man-made THINGYS of all sorts. Buttons? Silver, metal buttons? THEY TAINT THE HONOUR OF WEARING THAT CROCODIILE SKIN. Which I bet you didn't even hunt yourself, HAHAHA. And you know, crocodiles are totally casual, chill dudes? They would be so horribly offended that you decided to make yourself a COLLAR out of them. I mean it's absolutely tribal protocol to make clothing and accessories out of captives and what not, and I totally get that you're trying to channel that vibe, but really. Crocodile skin collars? Like, NO. They might actually start to haunt you like that disembowelled hoodie around Taec's neck haunts him. You REALLY don't want crocodiles to haunt you. They're big, and long, and bite and they're scary.

And...WHY IN THE WORLD ARE YOU USING A ZIP THAT DOESN'T CLOSE PROPERLY? What is with the factory that caught you the crocodile and sewed it into a vest for you? Did they get too tired or had too many holes in their chest from the crocodile's strugging, that they couldn't give you a proper zip that closes across your chest PROPERLY, for example? Is this a prelude to your shirt-lifting, really? Çoz you really should just wear cotton. It's like totally cheaper and easier to wear and more BREATHABLE, you know. Or just not wear anything, we totally dig that.


SRSLY GUYS, I DIG YOU DESPITE YOUR QUESTIONABLE CLOTHING CHOICES AND ALL THAT, BUT PLEASE...STOP.

[No mention to Chansung because he wasn't that fug, and I was lazy to upload a pic of him anyway...I still love you bb! Seriously!]

Ya know guys, I'm totally cool with innovative fashion and all that - I didn't even kick up that much fuss when ripped leggings or pants came into fashion, but MBLAQ amigos? SRSLY? What are you trying to tell me with your sexed up orgasm song and bumblebee rags? What are you TRYING TO SAY?

Let's see for example everybody's favourite six-pack, Joon.



You know, I know J.Tune Ent and Rain just lost a couple of lawsuits, but if he can afford to house and feed you guys AND buy 50 kg worth of eyeliner for y'all, I'm sure he could afford some nice WHOLE dishcloth for you to wear as a shirt, Joon. And wearing a blinged up cross really takes away from the poverty effect that you're totally trying to project with the rags you're trying to wear and that floppy hair and shiny sweat, but that's okay, I know your sugar daddy gave it to you and that's why you're kinda hiding it under your rags. I'm sure you wouldn't want Mir or anyone else to steal it from you; çoz they're so un-blinged up and all.

What I really don't get, Joon, is why you've decided that your jacket needs a FRINGED hood and shoulders, aside from being yellow. Is it some bumblebee hair thing you're trying to emulate? Following the eco-trend and all so we'll stop eating honey? So, is Oh Yeah REALLY telling us not to eat Mexican bee-produced honey while wearing greasy black eyeliner and sequins? IS IT? TELL ME JOON, I REALLY NEED YOUR HELP HERE.



Kay see here Chun Doong, I don't really hate you that much. I don't really like you or your sister that much either, but for safety's sake, please stop wearing imitation yellow spider webs on your body alright? I really get your rebellion against the rest of the bumblebee-stud-hair gang with a totally different insect altogether, because you know you were the last-minute replacement and all, and you've got a famous sister in a famous group in another company so you're probably some sort of special, but really Chun Doong, yellow spider-webs just make you COLD. Half a spider-web, Chun Doong, just makes us all confused. Are you trying to tell us that we should all attract ourselves to your left side and not right side? Are you trying to say that you eat predators with your left breast? And srsly, why wear the tie OR the half-jacket anyway? Are you some kind of mutant form that only feels cold on your right side? Not to mention, what's the deal with the shiny skirt thing you're wearing under the spider-web? ARE YOU OVERCOMPENSATING FOR YOUR LOST HAIR, CHUN DOONG? Is it because all the rest have got luscious locks and sweat while poor you and G.O have to put up with no hair?


Hey yo, G.O. I'm sure plenty of girls out there dig your sunglasses and your voice and your ability to do some weird breakdance pose while keeping those sunglasses on. They probably think never seeing your eyes in real life (probably because of that horrible album pic) is totally hot. That's okay, really, what I've got a beef with is that jacket and that vest of yours. Look, I know the lack of bling and all probably gets to your tiny fragile heart, especially with Joon completely un-subtly hiding his pimp-cross under those rags of his, but was there any need to make a vest with glitter and black studs? Or silver studs on your shirt collar? Or FEATHERS ANCHORED WITH SILVER STUDS ON YOUR SHOULDERS? Srsly, G.O? Just live on that voice of yours, honey. Six-packs and bling all fall off someday but clearly your sunglasses won't, so don't worry 'bout it. Just chill man, and get rid of those studs.



Seung Ho. I've really gotta talk to ya on this. It's not bout how all these members of yours somehow ended up in an insect-rights advocacy symbolism campaign, or how bling totally dominates the consciousness of MBLAQ and possibly J.Tune as well, but about that jacket of yours. Darling, you totally should be on a race track with that leather jacket. I think I saw Lewis Hamilton in one the other day, just a different colour. Although of course you'll have to take out those studs cuz you might get stabbed by them if you crash, but that's not hard because they're not really ANCHORED by glitter the way G.O's are. Totally sensible of you there; to think of a second career in case MBLAQ flops. I must, however, out of the goodness of my heart, tell you to stop wearing those pimp shirts. You see, Seung Ho, see-through and leather really belong on people who are totally street, yo. Like walking the streets street. You get me. I'm sure. Plus all the chest-popping was totally unsubtle. Buddy, you gotta play hard to get. I know being the leader and having lousy hair (totally ripped off by TWO OTHER GROUPS) is hard and all, and having all the attention on Joon's stomach totally sucks too, but it's okay, really, it's okay if you don't wear manwhore tank-tops. We'll still love you. But you know, after we're done peeking through Joon's rags.



Hi Mir. I have nothing to say to you, because you're actually kind of okay compared to the rest of your happy friends here. Except...what'd you do to get that dog collar? Srsly? You should sue Rain for wrongful imprisonment. I'd get you some legal aid, Mir, I will. You're a walking human rights infringement, and that's just...wrong. Although you do seem kinda happy with your sequinned cuffs and yellow jacket and leather collars and all, but dog collars are just...wrong. I'LL HELP YOU MIR, JUST SAY THE WORD. I CAN HEAR YOUR CRIES FOR HELP ALREADY.